Thursday, April 21, 2016

Self.



   At some point, my "self" became part of my husband's "self" and vice versa. I no longer say "I'm going to..." Instead I say "We're going to..." At first, this fact bothered me.

   My husband tends to be an over-sharer and our life is an open book and publicly displayed on Facebook and other social media - I have no privacy anymore. Things would happen at home, for example, like a female surgical procedure I had to undergo, and people at work mentioned personal details about it. After many conversations with my husband, and requests to not share the personal details of my life, it still occasionally happens, but I'm getting better at accepting it.

   I realized recently that I no longer have any pictures of just me; they are all "us". I rarely leave the house by myself, unless I'm going to work. There isn't much I do anymore, by myself. I'm not sure if this happened because I feel the need to care for and protect him, or if it happened because he relies on me.

   Self-care is so important and I frequently tell other caregivers to be sure they do something small for themselves every single day, but I don't regularly take my own advice. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia the year after my husband's injury. FM can be caused and exacerbated by chronic stress, and the pain and fatigue keep me pushing through most days in a fog. I work full-time and am pursuing a degree; coupled with family life, advocacy, and keeping the wheels on the bus, I don't always make time to do "me" things.

   Today, I will do the best I can to praise myself and to recognize the good in the day. Prayers for all who walk this journey.

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